


So I don't wanna think about it now, it's dark in my imagination

by RocioWrites



Series: love the one you're with 'verse [3]
Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-16 18:14:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5835802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RocioWrites/pseuds/RocioWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A little bit of introspection never killed anyone, though Kyouya may be inclined to disagree from time to time. And even if it didn't kill him this time, introspection made him <em>ask</em>.</p><p>Or, the one where I wanted Kaoru to have more “importance” and it didn't happen quite like that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another part that probably shouldn't exist for the LTOYW 'verse. Whatever. I'm coming back to my groove of writing so this is what came out - it's a bit angsty and Idk, I'm not really sure about the way I wrote it and narrated all these feels. But I thought, what the heck, let's just post it, surely someone out there will enjoy it.
> 
> Third chap deals with Kaoru's past lovers and stuff so if you're a hardcore KyoKao fan who can't stand Kaoru having a life before Kyouya, just ignore it!  
> Also, it has a quite non-descriptive mention of underage sex so yeah, beware.
> 
> Btw I'm sorry if the summary doesn't reflect what happens in this fic. I tried.
> 
> Title taken from Of Verona's Dark in my imagination which is a total KyoKao song if you ask me.

**1**

Sometimes, he wonders if Kaoru gave Haruhi up too soon, too early to really understand what he was leaving behind. It’s in the way Kaoru still smiles so openly untainted and then he can twist his expression into this discomfortingly and hollow neutrality that shows nothing.

It kills Kyouya slowly, making his heart break and ache with each passing day.

It’s in the way Kaoru saunters off, taking life in strides. He’s a force of nature – and of _that_ Kyouya knows plenty, he has surrounded himself with that kind of people. Tamaki is a driving force, ten thousand times brighter than the sun and able of not only giving life-saving warmth but also plain burning you. Haruhi is much of the same capacity, even if she doesn’t believe it herself; she’s practical and brutally honest, she will move you to the point of action.

And then there’s Kaoru in his life. He just knew the boy had a spark, he felt it back in the Host Club days. Hell, even Hikaru and Mitsukuni are natural forces, it just so happens that they're not the kind of force that’s compatible with Kyouya himself.

But Kaoru… how could he be so blind back then that he didn’t notice all the potential that was there? Well, to be honest he had a reason though, he _was_ blind. He was distracted by Tamaki who brought color and light to his gray life, and then there was Haruhi with her simple and beautiful smile. He was blinded, but not anymore.

He has eyes for Kaoru now, he has his senses raw open for him – to read him, follow his cues. It stings sometimes, the way he loves him, the way life has given him a second chance at happiness without Tamaki or Haruhi as his romantic love interests. It stings mostly because he feels like a coward still, because he knows he could give up again if only Kaoru would look at anyone else with that scorching flame he has come to adore.

There should be a word for this feeling of loving so much that it hurts but at same time the idea of letting go if circumstances call for it hurts even more. He pegged it as cowardice with Tamaki and Haruhi; however, it seems different with Kaoru. He sees that smile and there should also be a word for the way Kaoru is so fragile but so strong.

“Hmmm… you’re thinking too loudly again.”

Other times he can pretend Kaoru is only for him, what with the way he smiles at Kyouya unrestrainedly, beaming bright and full— and _alive_. It’s magnificent. The way he kisses with a passion that’s too powerful and yet, Kaoru pours the right amount of it into his love as to not outright scorch Kyouya. He wonders offhandedly whether he possesses the same hunger Kaoru can muster or if he has really turned into this cold-hearted man most people think of him.

“I mean it, it’s annoying. Please stop thinking so loud.”

Of course Kyouya can never be sure of what exactly Kaoru has seen in him. From time to time he feels the unstoppable urge to ask about past lovers, he knows he’ll question Kaoru about this sometime in the future and it makes him almost too anxious to deal with the topic. He wants to know but at the same time he doesn’t.

There's probably a line to be drawn here, a place where he shouldn't go. Past relationships after knowing each other since high-school is probably the kind of thing that would ruin what they have. Or not, Kaoru can be devastatingly honest with some delicate things so there is that too.

What's more, there's his own jealousy to be considered in this complicated equation that his mind refuses to ignore. He should just stop his brain for once, this path can't lead to any good outcome.

“And to make it worse, you’re ignoring me, huh.”

He supposes there's something to say about self-destruction, the way he announces his own lost battles before the war is over, even before fighting. Kaoru has been the first thing he has really fought for – not against the world, but against his own fears.

And he keeps fearing, he's still afraid. He's still curious too, he _needs_ to know if Kaoru has smiled at other people the way he smiles now. If he's going to smile at other people with the same warmth and admiration.

The uncertainty stings too.

"You're starting to bother me, you know?" It's the middle of the night, after all. Kaoru needs his rest, but Kyouya has always had a complicated relationship with his sleeping patterns.

"How many partners have you had?" He has to ask, _he just has to_. Even if his voice is hoarse and about to break if the other doesn't choose his words wisely.

"What?" Kaoru's talking stops being muffled by the haze of sleep and becomes a tense, sharp sound.

"How many partners have you had?" He repeats monotonically.

And it should feel like breaking a spell or a mirror of self-preservation. It should shatter something inside him. But it doesn't - it isn't like that. Kaoru blinks - he knows about the surprised blinking even if he can't see it - and presses a soft smile against his shoulder, whether he understands the magnitude of the storm inside Kyouya or not it's of no use to wonder.

"Is it important?" The whisper is tender and that indeed breaks something inside Kyouya's heart. "I'm no saint, you should know that better than anyone." _Even better than Hikaru_ , hangs unsaid.

"I just want to know." Raw sincerity, his throat aches.

"Is that important to you?" Kaoru is a perfectly composed voice in the darkness of their room, the vision of an oasis to a thirsty man wandering in the desert alone. Kaoru is his love and the man who has him babbling this silly romantic nonsense.

"It is."

" _Kyouya_..." He prepares himself for the blow, for the shocking truth that isn't shocking but he's just too deep inside his own thoughts. He readies himself for something, whatever it is, to hurt and cut and bruise more than what he can rationally conceive as real. "Kyouya." Kaoru sighs fondly exasperated. "Sleep. We'll talk after you've had your rest."

“I don't think I can rest.”

Kaoru plants a meaningful kiss right on his lips, a hand caressing his cheek. It amazes Kyouya how Kaoru can treat him like this fragile thing when most people are awfully scared of him.

“I'm being serious, we'll talk about this if you want. But it's three in the morning and we both have to go to work in a few hours. Please go to sleep already.”

*

Neither of them sleep for the rest of the night.


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

The silence is deafening. He even can see colors radiating from everywhere thanks to this disgusting headache, only made worse by the absence of sound if it makes sense. White noise pulsates through his brain annoyingly, back straight and tense, neck muscles sore from the strain.

Kaoru's silence makes him nervous. Too nervous, as if something's really wrong.

Blue navigates in waves around them, yellow and pink showing up every time he blinks. Kaoru's mouth twitches and that's green mixed with violet. If he shakes his head a bit too forcefully he knows he will end up throwing up his lunch – and how long has it been since he last ate, again? The doubt stings low in his lungs or maybe it's the pit of his stomach, either way it makes him see a pale orange for a few seconds before dissipating.

“Are you okay?” Kaoru whispers, worried, one hand already in mid-air reaching for him.

Kyouya wants to nod, to confirm it, yes, he is okay, he has been waiting all day to sit down on their comfortable sofa to _talk._ However, his head and stomach protest when presented with these strong emotions.

“Yes.” He replies in autopilot and closes his eyes, a heavy sigh leaving past his lips.

A succession of white and black behind his eye-lids.

“Sure you are.” Kaoru remarks, aiming for sarcasms and only sounding utterly concerned.

He leans backwards, resting completely against the couch. Another deep breath and the headache is not only creating colors but also making him way too nauseous.

Kaoru's hand finally lands on his shoulder.

“There's something we have to talk.” He says, slowly and pronouncing every word with well-conceal effort.

“Yes.” The other agrees and Kyouya feels the tender kiss on his cheek. “Once you feel better.”

That's the end of it, for now at least.

*

Days go by ridiculously fast-paced, Kyouya's mind relentlessly searching for a way to prevent Kaoru from being hurtfully honest about his past relationships. Kyouya blames his tiredness and this fresh love in his chest, that's why he let his mouth run that night.

And Kaoru will comply, sooner or later, he knows.

It's probably because they became an item and then took time for themselves, away from their everyday-like life, from their friends, from Japan's pressure. The trip gave him a false sense of security. Now they're back into the hurried vortex that is their routinary life.

Kaoru behaves almost as normally as always, except under trained eyes. Hikaru shoots them looks at every chance and Haruhi seems to be always just about to ask. Mitsukuni had a false start once and Takashi's glances linger more and more. Tamaki only gave him a pat on the back and cheered for him – whatever the hell that was supposed to mean, hell if Kyouya can decipher his best friend sometimes.

He knows he's acting a tad weird too. He swears it's because the colorful and plainly awful headaches he's been having. His doctor, on the other hand, swears those will go away when Kyouya stops being stressed. _Which means never_ , Hikaru so accurately commented when Kaoru mentioned it. Kyouya smirked and nodded and wanted the Earth to split open and swallow him whole.

“You're doing it again.” This time Kyouya blinks and obliges.

“What is it?” He asks, darkness and exhaustion taking the best of them both. Kyouya doesn't really mind, the middle of the night masks so many defects and problems.

“You were thinking loudly again.”

“Ah.”

The silence isn't deafening now, because he clamps his mouth shut and _listens_. Kaoru is lying right beside him, under the covers, warm body a hair away from him, from his hands and lips. Kyouya hears him breathe, steady and quiet. Kyouya _feels_ him alive and bright and vibrant right at arm's reach.

“You keep doing it.” Kaoru sighs, mockingly defeated.

“Yeah.” Because that is that.

A hand snakes around his waist and a chin presses against his shoulder, hot breath tickling his neck.

“This is why you keep getting those strange headaches, you're too stressed.” Kyouya doesn't need to see to know Kaoru is sporting one of those cheeky, seductive Hitachiin trademark grins. Even in his silly dotted pajamas the guy can be extremely sexy. His answer is a noncommittal _hmm_ along with a chaste kiss atop of that mob of orange-redish hair. “I can de-stress you.” Kaoru offers, wink included.

And Kyouya curses himself for being so worked up. “You can.” He replies blandly.

“--or not.” A huff of annoyance.

“Sorry.”

Kyouya is sorry. For so many things he has lost count. He's mostly sorry for being insecure under that icy cold exterior, or for being possessive and jealous when loving someone as free as Kaoru. He's sorry for the awkward way they got together also.

Kyouya is sorry for being a coward.

“You keep thinking about that, right?”

What _that_ Kaoru is referring to, there's no doubt about it. Kyouya sucks in a breath, body paralyzed for a second or two, so tense it hurts.

“Yeah.” And it sounds so close to a broken sob that it embarrasses him.

Kaoru moves away, turns the lamp on and watches him with eyes that don't pity him. Kaoru watches him with concern and love and something else that brings Kyouya to life every goddamn morning.

“Why?” Kaoru asks, vehemently against this topic. “Why do you keep thinking about this?”

Kyouya wishes with all his heart he knew. But he doesn't. It may be because he's jealous or insecure or both or neither. He's lost when it comes to certain feelings – he never experienced this kind of want, this unapologetic and explicit desire for someone. He doesn't have to hide with Kaoru, he doesn't have to lie or avoid or escape. And it's overwhelming.

“I--” He starts in vain, blinking owlishly when he doesn't know how to keep going.

Kaoru keeps watching him from his vantage position sitting on the bed without pressing him to finish the sentence. Somewhere deep down, Kaoru knows he's not getting an answer on this.

“Okay.” Kyouya stops breathing for a moment and sits up in a rush of limbs and panic. “Hey, it's okay.” Kaoru receives him, how he's always done it seems, open arms and a calming kiss ready.

Kyouya claims that mouth, desperate now. Tomorrow he'll have the fucking colorful headache again but now he's licking his boyfriend's teeth and caressing his arms as if his life depends on it. On some levels, it does.

“I'm sorry.” He whispers against wet lips.

“What for though?” Kaoru questions, reassuring smile in place.

And how amazing it is that this man can be all these things in one? Passionate but tender, loving and harsh, eager yet patient. Fragile and strong, in need of protection but also protective and nurturing.

Kyouya could say he's sorry for so many things, he kisses the other again instead.

“It is important to me.” He says like it's that same night and the conversation never got cut off.

It effectively is 3am and tomorrow is a week day with a load of work ahead. He doesn't mind.

Kaoru sighs, affectionately annoyed. “Very well then.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the verbal tense? I hope it's not that confusing to read OTL

**3**

There was a time when Kaoru thought life wasn't meant for him. Curiously enough, life was meant for Hikaru. And Tamaki. And of course, it was totally meant for Haruhi too.

He wasn't sure about Mitsukuni, Takashi and Kyouya. He didn't think life was meant for them either but at the very least they were better prepared to face it than him. He felt like he was a shadow of what his brother wanted – worst of it, he was (more than) okay with that.

It was a time when he couldn't stop thinking about nothing he could _be_ except for the help Hikaru could need. It was a time when he appreciated his life through other people's happiness. He felt like Kyouya and Takashi were much of the same capacity, just that they functioned better at everything else in life.

However, things can crumble down way too quickly, way too easily. It wasn't like Kaoru hated Hikaru for falling in love with Haruhi or hated Haruhi for knowing which twin was whom. Hell, he couldn't _hate_ them. Not then, not ever.

Life was meant for everyone, figure.

*

He didn't open up about those feelings, they were unconventional and surely uncomfortable to communicate to any and all of his friends. Kaoru loved them too much to dump his insecurities on them like that, to make them aware of his weakness and incompleteness. Because- yes, life was meant for everyone to live, and yet that didn't soothe the aching most of the time. Because he couldn't bring himself to be the person he should.

He didn't open up, period.

*

Haruhi broke Hikaru's heart choosing Tamaki to love. Kaoru knew it was way too predictable even if it hurt him too.

 _It's a great opportunity to grow_ , he thought. And the way Haruhi and Tamaki became so attune with Hikaru as to not unnecessarily harm him was astonishing, Koaru loved them a bit more thanks to that attitude. The way Takashi and Mitsukuni were also supportive of him was a blessing.

Kaoru almost laughed when he noticed Kyouya's sympathetic feels towards Hikaru's broken heart. Seriously, how many of them could be in love with Haruhi or Tamaki or possibly both? It was ridiculous. It made his blood boil.

It made him want to open up.

He didn't. _He didn't_.

*

Hikaru grew through his hurt. Kaoru wasn't sure he did.

Romantic love wasn't made for him, after all.

*

Kyouya blows delicately the steam coming from his hot tea, Kaoru refusing to get them coffee at this ungodly hour. The cup is hot and fits between his hand without a problem, _much like Kaoru_ he thinks to himself and smiles a bit on the inappropriate side. It's weird how this impasse gives him a tender sense of tranquility, like Kaoru isn't about to answer the worst question his mind has been working on.

The smile doesn't falter as Kaoru sits infront of him, own cup in hand, an uncommon expression adorning his face – he's battling with himself and wondering how to broach this subject. Kyouya can see the other isn't happy about the topic, he probably won't ever be but Kyouya _needs_ to know.

Kaoru sighs and the expression is gone, replaced by the tiredness of being awake for too many hours. Kyouya sympathizes.

“I love you.” Kaoru starts as if that's the most important part of the whole story.

 _It is_.

“I know.” _I love you too_.

It is _so_ important.

*

Kaoru picked a shy girl for his first time, a classmate with a huge crush on Takashi which never got the courage to go to the Host Club. She was sweet and soft-spoken, brunette curls around her round but ultimately cute face. They were graduating after all and he didn't want to leave Ouran being a virgin. Hikaru didn't get it, he was unconsciously still waiting for Haruhi and that spark that would never light; Kaoru didn't blame him but that wait wasn't meant for him.

So he took Risa-chan to the graduation party, they danced and drank a bit and at the end of the night he kissed her and went beyond that.

He was honest with her, he told Risa-chan that that was it and she knew it even before he opened his mouth. She smiled, hid her tears and wished him good luck in life. It was scary the way some people could give themselves and expect nothing in return.

He didn't told Hikaru though. He didn't confess it to Mitsukuni nor anyone. It was his second chosen secret, he kept to himself the way he touched her and made her moan, the way it felt to be inside someone else, the heat and desire even without love.

Kaoru, at the very least, was meant for lust.

*

He decided he wasn't meant for women immediately after that. It had been an amazing experience but it wasn't for him. He should have known better perhaps, but here he was, trying out men for first time. Same as with Risa-chan, Kaoru wanted a partner who wouldn't divulge, someone good-looking but simple and nice; probably the kind of person who no one would expect a Hitachiin to date. It'd be a silent rebellion and that was enough at the moment.

Satoshi was sweet and considerate, if a bit on the clumsy side. He was funny but easily swayed, the kind of guy who worried about anything and everything. It made him a good lover at the end of the day and it was probably what Kaoru needed. They learnt together what they liked and disliked.

He skipped classes just to be with Kaoru, making out in the back of the library pretending to be finishing some assignment – college was fun like that. They discovered what it took to make Kaoru loose it completely and what body parts or words to avoid. Satoshi was an average guy; however, he made Kaoru fall for almost two years.

When they broke apart, life was bleak for a long time.

*

He tried for brief months with a flashy kind of guy, he smiled too brightly and laughed too loudly and somewhere behind all that pretense he was a complete jerk. At first Kaoru thought Takuma was a bit like Tamaki, happy and bubbly and ultimately a kind soul. Takuma was _not_.

He should have known better than to get involved with one of his Mother's models – he later found out the guy was the least favorite model of hers.

With him, came Kaoru's first public scandal. Takuma was controlling and into some weird shit. Sex was good at first, as well as the times they simply hung out; Takuma made him laugh and feel at ease with how much he would resemble Tamaki in some aspects.

Oh boy how wrong had he been.

It started when he asked – demanded? - Kaoru to stop spending time with Hikaru (and any and all friends he had). Kaoru brushed it off. Takuma insisted and insisted, becoming quite annoying, calling him at all hours to know where he was and with whom.

When he finally got rejected, he went to make a fuss, he told everyone how Kaoru was a shameless cock-slut and how he seduced poor naive Takuma into becoming lovers just to use him and then dump him.

Letting him go and ignoring his very public tantrum was the most freeing thing Kaoru had ever done.

*

Kyouya clicks his tongue, not wanting to look at Kaoru in the face. The tea seems inexplicably interesting so he focuses on it.

“I remember this jerk.” He says softly but full of contained anger.

He remembers the news and magazines and _whispers_ about the topic. He remembers staying silent because it wasn't his problem even when he was dying inside to just punch those who doubted Kaoru. He remembers Hikaru and Mitsukuni getting extremely furious and Haruhi and Tamaki jumping at every chance to defend Kaoru's pride.

Kaoru laughs, in a way that's not mirthful. “Ah. I know.” He's nodding. “I forgot my phone at your place once, when we all had a get-together.” There's a meaningful pause but Kyouya doesn't dare to say anything. “You picked up. Takuma wasn't happy at all.”

“I can only imagine.” He rasps out.

“That was a wake-up call. Thank you.”

Kyouya wants to explain he didn't do anything back then (he should have, _he should have_ ) – maybe he actually insulted the jerk but that was about it. He wants to explain Kaoru's the one strong enough to break free and start again.

He says nothing instead.

*

It came as a surprise to find someone just like Hikaru. Hikari was gorgeous, her smile was as bright as the sun and her smirks were truly something to be afraid of. There was something to say about the fact that Kaoru felt attraction right away – he never had the heart to admit he felt as if she was a female version of his brother, even the names matched.

She was sassy and entertaining. She was the kind of person who could keep secrets and that was really important after last time. Hikari never tried to tie them together or pretended they were doing more than having excellent sex and fun dates.

Kaoru confessed to her that he was into men but she was such a refreshing thing in his life. Hikari laughed and introduced him to the marvelous concept of being bisexual but homoromantic. He wasn't sure it fitted him, he liked it at the moment though.

Hikari was a successful hair stylist and that opened doors for her, her departure to Europe was sad and happy at the same time. Kaoru was happy for her and her bright future but also sad because he was losing a lover and a friend.

*

He didn't compromise from then on. One night-stands only. He wanted love but lust was better suited for him.

Or so he thought.

*

Kyouya was as much a lost soul as he was, alcohol making it fuzzy at the edges but not blurry enough to erase that sympathetic feeling in his guts.

They all watched Haruhi say _Yes, I do_ and broke into immense smiles, they loved them both so much – Haruhi and Tamaki deserved happiness like no one else. However, somewhere deep down there was romantic love involved and it hurt Kaoru to think they all stepped aside for these two. It was the kind of hurt that was associated with strong but futile feelings, the feels you left behind for someone else's good. Kaoru understood it all too well.

And he pushed it, he looked for it. He went for Kyouya in search of the solace he wasn't receiving from any of his occasional lovers. Kyouya was there, soft and pliant and _scared_ and ready to love for real.

Kyouya knew him, he knew of his struggles. He was warm and kissed with meaning. He was meant for love more than Kaoru liked to admit at first. It made _him_ ready to try love for real.

With Kyouya, love was meant for Kaoru too, figure.

*

Tea is cold by the time Kaoru stops talking for long long minutes, a strange smile curving his lips. Kyouya's throat is dry, his mind wandering into places he can't fathom right now. The sun filters through the holes in the blind announcing it's way too early in the morning but also way too late to go back sleeping.

“And you know how the rest goes.”

“...yeah.” He barely whispers as a reply. “So I should only worry if Satoshi or Hikari were to show up in your life again.” He halfheartedly jokes, swallowing the weird feelings in his throat, chest sort of tight.

Kaoru snorts and gets up, leaving the untouched cup on the coffee table. “We'll see.” He mumbles, smirking evilly.

Kyouya loves the smirk, he idly thinks, matching it with his own grin. Getting up too, he takes Kaoru's cup and goes to kitchen to wash them while Kaoru simply nods in thanks and walks towards their bedroom, yawning loudly.

The lukewarm water distracts him a bit, lightheaded and sleepy as he is with all the silence in the house surrounding him. He sighs, deep and sudden, tension leaving his body in tandem.

Yes, this was what he wanted – Kaoru complied. There's a guarded part that's defensive and worried at all this information. Kaoru has a past. It's only logical and still, he wants nothing more than to be his future.

Steps draw his attention as he's closing the faucet. He doesn't turn around and dries his hand methodically, waiting for the other to speak.

“Hey.” Kaoru doesn't sound sleepy at all.

“Hi.”

“I'm sorry.” But Kyouya doesn't ( _can't_ ) understand why he should be sorry. “That was too much.” He supplies in a low tone.

“It was what I asked of you.” And before being able to turn around, Kaoru is hugging him from the back, hands making fists in his pajama shirt. “It wasn't too much.” He assures.

“I love you.” Kaoru mumbles, and Kyouya feels the warm breath against neck.

Another deep breath. “I love you too.”

“Good.”

“And I'm not deterred or angry about what you just told me.”

“Good.”

Kyouya smiles, honest, gladly. “Let's go back to bed.”

*

*

Kyouya doesn't stand the knowing grin his doctor gives him when he's retelling the fact that he hasn't had one of those colorful headaches in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I've made them both quite emotional. Sorry not sorry I guess.
> 
> I don't know if I'm going to keep writing for this 'verse or what, but you're always encouraged to talk to me about it or tell me your ideas or what you'd like to see happening – I can't make any promises but I bet at least talking about them would be fun! So, comment here or drop a message on my personal blog, rocioandthatsall.tumblr.com :)


End file.
